April 2020

My youngest chosen family member and I walk through a deserted city park. They are thirteen; we’ve lived together since they were two. “I haven’t been here before,” they say, gesturing at the tall cedars around us. “You have. You just don’t recognize the park without people.” “Have you ever seen anything like this happen before?” they ask. “This” meaning the COVID 19 pandemic. ‘What have I seen before’ is a routine inquiry of theirs. A few questions that I particularly remember them asking: Did a kid from your school ever go missing? (yes; I’ll never forget her.) Have you ever felt scared to go to a party? (fuck yes; let’s brainstorm coping skills for social anxiety.) Did you have a girlfriend in high school? (sort of; I had a secret in high school.) This question, though, about COVID 19 is the first time I tell them “no.” I’ve never seen anything like this. I have no anecdotes or experiential advice to comfort them with. Another first, the first that troubles me more, is that our conversation doesn’t veer into “what if” thinking. Speculating possibilities—strategic, fantastic or comedic—has been our go-to for years. For example, what if you could turn invisible at parties? We walked the remainder of the fern-lined path in silence. Maybe poetry can fill the gap in our conversation? Speculative poetry can voice the most horrific and redemptive “what if” thoughts. Speculative poetry isn’t short on words to describe how our realities are always shifting.