Ana, this is a love poem but also an anti-suicide note. I wish you were alive to write the letter you didn’t.
People seem to forget how hard it is to kill yourself on purpose. My psychiatrist told me she learned from a surgeon that it’s hard to kill a human. I want to say that I agree with the surgeon not anecdotally but experientially. I won’t go into specifics, Ana, but I think you know what I mean. I know that a body’s desire to live is an instinctual strength, a strength very much tied to panic. I know the only time to live is in the present, and if you are in the process of actively dying, the present’s acuity intensifies. You chose a very quick death, Ana. Perhaps you should have given yourself more time. It’s not less violent, Ana, to choose a slower means. Suicide is the ultimate violence against the world as it’s against yourself.
Ana, I have changed my mind on self-determination.