Utopia Pipe Dream Memory
Playlist by Ugly Duckling PresseUtopia Pipe Dream Memory builds upon impossible imagined intimacies, relishing the pleasure of slow, attentive learning. In an unfolding of rhythms, repetitions, and distended narratives it envisions a space of play and ecstatic influence, drawing characters such as Gertrude Stein, Bernadette Mayer and Maya Deren into dialogues and visions that articulate the tension between embodiment and voice, identification and materiality. These narratives push towards a unified dispersal, a complex act of exultant feminine chaos, letting slip the boundaries between what is animal, what is describable, and what can be made to appear.
Interlude I
This being an account of or reckoning under the weight of a true fact that there are states only known through their being abandoned. There is no being without the generosity of limits. Bernadette Mayer is combing my hair. The world is a navel again. This being an account of shelter’s turning point. I do not have the language for the violence of personhood, she said as she unknotted me. Had I known then how to see the field of unknotting figuration, I might have also seen the unknotting evening dipping into the unknotted and knowable eardrum, tuning in and out collapsed, combed through, the distance from each instrument bodily begun.
I am indebted to trash. I am indebted to the speech act. I am lodged in my debts to my no name body.
I shouldn’t admit to it
I was supposed to become an artist
the music in the room was an instrument too
I am indebted to the illegal middle. borrowing from the outskirts I can say with certainty there is a center.
I wanted to be a writer detecting changes
narrative barraging what is and is not available to us
directly on tape you see I am doing this consciously
I present precious immobile dimensions
being sometimes called sex
finally I get to write my own
full of sloppy knots
being indebted I pierce the no name courtship in the wake of the no name spirit’s death
I have something to sell
there was never anything to sell
even when I thought it wouldn’t be meaningful
hear a vibration pattern
I put it all in
indebted to the concept of the walk I go for a walk, what else would you have me do?
I couldn’t bear to put it in, all of it
I see a hand pointing towards a door
I see as if these images were a story
this is a reply
I would like to speak to you now of the sacred contested walk
I was just trying to do this impossible thing
bypass all the others
experience performance and rest at the same time
being indebted to the umbilicus, I saw this is how you flourish, bait and catch, this is how the dirty aesthetic calls on you. there we were acting out the eclipse, performing the moon, and discussing how the divine would always and forever be contested
basically I couldn’t cure myself of writing in space and time close up
and if the pen would just run out already
in other words this is an excerpt pulsating
enlightened reach I delight in idiocy in my own stupidity for I am truly and gloriously indebted
I am working on naked listening masked
also there were these people who used to be in cages
whatever the human limit is a carnival is laced with
I found myself using that phrase ‘the human limit’ and pictured brackets around my experience, but more of that later, history as a cage
because being indebted I saw our own vessels were not lost enough
what am I doing here? I had to write what my intentions were
perform this process of an ordinary phrase
but then I didn’t
I gave up in despair because when you study you generate all ways of thinking
the idea of being indebted to the no name free falls down my shoulders. no name is caressing me.
what would you think about someone who is in a cage? you see, I had claimed the individual was a thing that exists
the first to conceive of the bond and separation in the unwork of work
you have to try to remember your frustration
impossible intimacies hovering
borrowing from joy I could say with certainty I had my private research
what should we do next with desire? I want to read this poem
and by doing so I could ignore the abstraction of endings
seeing you free fall I could say there was gratitude
I know it came from me
I was able to be accurate, I own that it had more to do with my own shape
there is nothing logical or meaningful thank god I am devoted to walking
out
except in the way I’m speaking about drifting and associations I own that I am a recurrence
I had been wanting for a long time to associate this image of the cage with a kind of defiance the performance which speaks as a form of payment
then suddenly it was pointed out to me a cage is anything but
so I ask, should you throw this away? what I previously called splendor
it’s no more than anything that is written on paper
an explanation of my own education
can’t something be made of all of that?
I shuffled and amassed and it was incredibly raw I never overcame the no name spirit that I once saw on display in the no name garden the no name inhalation closing against the suckled fiendish and raw there is nothing left to know
I tried to make something of what I had learned
all of a sudden there is an equation a shape of logic a spectrum
as sound I found it interesting
to put things next to each other that’s how you encounter the folds
these are my horrible notes otherwise where do ideas come from?
all gone somehow
before it’s even talked about
lists of dates of battles, the warring consciousness restored
what do you do with that whatever speaking is
as a writer as someone who deals in variation
I don’t know exactly
I felt in the end I had to say this is what happened and who even am I?
being indebted suddenly this day was lost, remainderless, toss it
there is a problem in writing
I expect something
murmurs backlogs in a fictive stupor and being in debt as the solitary figure
to be alerted to levels of meaning
when I understand better this bug
all speak or else someone speaks for it, myself becoming the world
this final page of my notes is about indifference
the adorned face of the confusion of having been taken by storm
the face of my education upon me
and I do, I walk out and I expect something
Interlude II
Cut off from exchange I could see that loss exists. Greedily I wanted the germ of impulse. Bernadette Mayer is working to disentangle our dialogues. She is trying to remember if previously all of life was a dense grid chant. Everyone pictures a blue triangle forming when she says grid. Someone describes to her a film and she sits with her eyes closed, picturing it. You said the image burns before we can describe it? You said we burn the images as we describe them? Cut off from the classic exchange of friction with shadow I could see that I had the capacity to self-interrupt. I took the innocent form safely, the balm of an infant structure still being distributed. The eyes were sincerely closed as the self of all things implodes in a sonic feed. Pre-verbal upsurge this better be resilience at work, that morsel. The mind does so well to picture it.
fallen I thought I could organize my life according to some theme
the capacity to tap a foot and have a pattern
sound harbors tradition in waves
we don’t even have a music I’m learning
a door that says sanctuary and maybe this is just how I see things now
I will be using sound
the idea of air as a threshold acts as a pacifier
gains dimension resonant in the raw
it comes in later hear the interior take this home with you
no more against us I slowed, dimmed also developed magic and loss
I built it, sure
the loop is an environment we all are
I slowed it all down this presence and I will encourage it because this is when I’m feeling really good when we all are this disappearance and humming ideal forms a charge the servitude of consciousness, it’s many members roused
just as they are I become
your turn now, encounter
assess the light unrelated is the line broken irreducible receiver
learning how to carry that question the prison the mind in all its chattiness
what I’ll do to pass the time someone else does becomes visual becomes sounds maybe it isn’t art though I’m still deciding how to see what I said, the cuts
to travel and live through my own sounds
the apparatus arrives and it is myself and it / me laughs, being anything
what is collaborative about it though every thought secured retreats reads like the birth litter kept from perishing born under the jaw nobody knew at their fingertips
I’ve replicated the room as that day I hadn’t played in years there is a seismic room it could be argued not just listened to shooting a swarm your skull was designed a piece crowded or empty trust me it will happen you are already speaking
the guest imagines and plays delivery as consumption do I then disappear where music lives
city sounds and urban crisis sensual crisis some kind of navigation trigger broken off
land a dark hallway dream house permanence her whole existence is within it sounds as colors pit pain against rub down so the world does exist noise exists errors hashing out placeholders
we arrive dream house art making sensory constructs spread a phenomenon among them an electronic reality the body never dies glimpse a cooling bottom we arrive up zone cusp still I’m forward moving
expression constants order keep singing in drones long allegiances
gravitational within pre-gravity ferocious a purely aural statement of influence the year shall see oh unrelated immanence received as existing offhand holy favorite metaphors
the listener process is outside of the body
open baby crying emulated without being pushed just sounds misheard unstitched relations to the illusion of sculpture a power relinquished although written still I’m that turned on
words fill the page to be lost temporality this is an homage amplified then it took three hours ten days I began to notice time a limited number of fullness fixations on where must I be struggling becomes not art or autonomy notably present tense serves here a shape largely mathematical volume reprise the illusion that actual art desires form
the bedroom the world the university the exerted personal swells up towers saw spirals in whatever walls politicized distinct mapping function over but distinct corporeal always existing in oscillation alarm running I had said we arrived
non-physical space simple light space evolved portray a building as diary as partner and evolved hedonistic fluff driven out into the field stimulation an account of my life definition beauty taken together